It’s a Fucktard Day in the Neighborhood

Let me tell you how a couple of days went for me last week. I own a fairly new car (a little over 3 years old) that does have a bit of mileage on it. I do drive into work every day and it is a fairly decent commute of about 35 miles one way. Last Monday I was driving home from work and sitting in traffic before going through a tunnel (like I do every day) and cursing whatever Fucktard slowed down first and made all the traffic back up (like I do every day). Anyway, traffic finally starts moving and I hit the gas. The engine revs and nothing else happens. I am in drive and I am not moving at all. I try switching gears, etc and nothing. The transmission is gone. I sit there for a while, in the fast lane, contacting someone to come and tow me (now this is only about 3 miles into my journey home). I finally get in touch with someone and they will send a tow truck, but it will be about an hour and a half due to traffic. This is fine. I expected this. About this time, the local patrol tow truck shows up and helps me move my car from the road to the berm. Great, this was a big help and I appreciated it. The guy was even nice enough to stop back an hour later and check that I was OK (I.e. Non-Fucktard). Unfortunately, this was about the most terrifying hour and a half of my life. Here I am sitting on the berm by an exit before the tunnel and there are numerous Fucktards who find no problem driving on the berm to get past traffic and almost sideswipe my car. They had to see it there but just didn’t seem to notice or care. (I also have to take a moment to put out my thanks to a state patrol officer who also stopped during this time to check on me. He even gave me a number to call their barracks if the tow truck did not show up. He almost was hit by some Fucktard driving on berm while he did this, but I appreciate his help). The tow truck showed up after an hour and a half and we got my car situated to tow. Allow me to describe the tow truck driver. He was a fairly large man (not fat, but pretty muscular and larger than me) with tattoos on both arms and on the back and side of his shaved head. He also had no front teeth. This was actually not a problem for me because back in the day this old punk hung out with some pretty big degenerates. When we get into the truck, the first thing that he says to me is “Do you like Metallica?” as it is jamming on the radio. Actually, I do like some Metallica and I told him so. This appears to have been the point where Ray and I became best of friends. He says “Good Man” and pulls out in front of traffic. We are on our way. We’re driving along discussing the best way to get to where my car needs to go since he needs to drop off another car first. After this discussion, we start talking about music again and Ray tells me that he has been a headbanger for years. He tells me that he used to have really long hair “Longer than my old ladies” that hung down to his knees. He then tells me that he got sent away then and had to shave it all off. He keeps it shaved now because of the tattoos. Cool. I can deal with this still. After talking about some other things, we get to where we need to drop the other car off and do so. Then we situate my car back on the truck and we’re off again. We discuss important world places like CrapDonald’s and Wal-Mart and how these have made an impact upon our society at large. Just kidding, Ray actually just told me how he really likes both of them. Ray then starts to tell me a story about how he had a guy in the truck one time who “He just knew had something wrong with him and it was like he was retarded or something”. Anyway, the guy yelled at him to stop the truck and Ray stopped because he thought the guy had to vomit or something. No, the guy demanded that he get out of the truck and pulled out a knife. Ray then tells me how he reached under his seat and pulled out his gun and shot the guy four times while the guy was stabbing him. Ray even pulled up his shirt to show me the scar (while driving about 60 miles and hour) and again told me how he pulled his gun out from under the seat and shot the guy. Ray then told me that it was OK because the guy did not die. He even tried to help the guy before the ambulance arrived even though he was stabbed. The police felt it was OK too, but he was upset that he lost the right to carry his gun for 7 months and did not think that this was fair of the courts. I am feeling a tad bit nervous at this point since we still have about 20 miles to go to get to the garage. Lucky for me that Ray is my new best friend. (Although I did wonder how if he was sent away he was able to get a permit to carry a gun anyway.) The subject changes and before we get to the garage, we stopped to get something to eat and stopped at a convenience store for chew. Finally, we arrive at the garage and get my car unloaded. Ray then tells me that I owe him $60 over the money that my roadside assistance paid. He also tells me that he cannot accept a card, they only accept cash. I think he just wanted to ride with me some more to go to the ATM. Thankfully I happen to have it and pay him. He gives me a big toothless grin as he waves and drives away. I get home 5 hours after I left work. Now, you may think that Ray is the Fucktard of the story. He was not. I actually did like him and had a rather amusing time for the most part. I just told that part of the story because I thought it was funny. The real Fucktards came the next day. This part of my tale is NOT funny. The garage calls me (No, they are not the Fucktards either  (they were pretty good throughout this) and tells me that the part of my car that broke was not covered. They then asked me if I had an extended warranty. I believed that I did and, because I was at work, had to make several hundred phone calls between the garage, the place I bought my car and the place the warranty was through to try to get the information. After much wailing, moaning, and gnashing of teeth, I managed to get in touch with all these people (even though they had the information for my car fucked up) and get everything straight. This is where the Fucktard part of the story comes in. The guy handling the warranty claim then tells me “You know that the warranty company filed for bankruptcy two months ago and are not paying new claims, right?” No Fucktard, I did not know. Do you think that it would have been nice to inform the people that have this warranty about the company going bankrupt? I happened to pay a shitload of money when I bought the car so that I did not have to worry about crap like this. He gives me a website to look up and see what the insurance company contracted for my policy was doing regarding this. I go there and after searching through several thousand names (literally), I find my name and policy number. I look up what they are doing about the claims and the website says that if you live in seven specific states, they are covering the claims in full. I don’t live in any of those states of course. If you live in any other state, they are doing NOTHING right now and check back to the website in a couple of months. So, there you have the true Fucktards of this tale of woe. The bastards that I paid money to when I bought my car and then forced me to pay the full amount to get it fixed when it broke. That is the real crime. Maybe they should have been sent away instead of my buddy Ray.

Those Orange Cone Thingies Mean What??

I have said before that I spend a lot of time in my car driving to and from work. I have seen a lot of stupid things that Fucktards do while driving that make me wonder how they manage to keep their licenses. This morning I saw something so asinine that I had to write this rant today. In my travels to work, I pass through one highway that they are doing a lot of construction on. Basically, they are rebuilding this highway and turning it from a two-lane to a four-lane highway in certain stretches of the road. They have been doing this for at least a year and a half and plan to finish this in the next two years. This is not a new construction site. Nothing has changed in at least 6 months. I have written about this highway and construction before in Fucktards on Wheel 2. (This is where the idiot drove off the side trying to get to the adult bookstore.). Right now they have all the traffic driving in one set of lanes while they build the other set. Part of the other set of lanes is completed, but not open. At one point of this road, there is an intersection which is also down to one small set of lanes coming in and out of it. To turn right at this intersection you have to get to the light and turn down where they have it open. While there is some road before this, it is marked with those orange and white construction things that replaced the barrels and there is yellow caution tape strung between them. This light is usually red for no more than two minutes or so, just enough to let a couple of cars onto the highway. This morning I am at the light and there is one car in front of me and one Fucktard behind me. Fucktard decides that they are so important that they don’t have to wait for the light to change to turn that they cross over the part of the road that is newly paved and drive down the ramp that is blocked off. I guess they did not realize that the cones and caution tape meant that you should not be driving here. Fucktard must have realized this when they got to the end of the ramp and saw that the cones and tape were stretched across this effectively blocking them from driving anymore since they did stop at this point. Now, Fucktard had to take while to think about what they were going to do because they sat there for a minute. I don’t know if they were actually thinking or the sound of air whistling between their ears distracted them. Either way, instead of backing up and coming back onto the road and turning where they should have – Fucktard drives very slowly (so they don’t mess up their overly large SUV’s paint job) THROUGH the cones and caution tape. They broke the tape and knocked the cones to the side. After cautiously driving through the caution tape, Fucktard speeds away so that no one knows that they were the dipshit that did this. I can think of a lot better things that my tax dollars can go to than having the road crews clean up after some asshole thinks they can just do whatever they want. The most amusing part of this is that this person then immediately turned from destroying property into a gas station on the side of the intersection. I guess that it not so amusing after all. Just one more example of a Fucktard that should not be allowed to share the road with me.

Parking Lot Fucktards

Another one of my pet peeves are the fucktards that disobey simple driving rules in parking lots. These are the douche bags that do not stop at the intersections where a big stop sign appears. Or they cut across the parking spots, cut you off because you are following traffic rules but give you the stupid look. I am of the opinion that putting people in a shopping center parking lot of any kind causes them to lose 50 IQ points instantly. I also get annoyed by the fucktards that walk right in front of your car without even looking. I realize pedestrians have the right of way, but my mother must have been a genius when she taught me to look both ways in case a car doesn’t see me. One day in the future I could be having a bad day in the Walmart parking lot and I’ll be cleaning Irma Jean Fucktard and her two ugly brats off the hood of my car with a spatula…. but I won’t feel guilty. Please work with me and the rest of us damn it…. follow the rules of the road in the parking lot, look both ways before you go trotting along, look BEHIND you when you back up dummies. I shouldn’t have to write this but too many stupid people keep shopping.

Drive With Some Manners, Fucktard

As you probably have figured out, I spend a lot of time in my car driving back and forth to work. It amazes me just how much Fucktards have no manners whatsoever while driving anymore. I always understood that it is much better to be polite to others while driving than to be an ass. I have found that it doesn’t matter if someone is driving a Lexus or a piece of shit car that should have been junked in the 70’s they are all Fucktards. For example, it was my understanding that it was polite to allow someone to enter a roadway from a ramp or side street if possible. The extra minute you save by being a Fucktard and ignoring others doesn’t really help you get to where you are going any faster. Conversely, it doesn’t help for you to be a complete prick and cut in front of others either. You are not so important that you have to force your way in and almost cause an accident. If someone happens to let you in, don’t act as if it is your God-given right that they should. Show some fucking manners and at least acknowledge that they were nice enough to do this. You can interrupt your phone call for two seconds and wave. You shouldn’t be talking on the phone when you are driving anyways shithead. For you Fucktards that cannot read, those signs that say “Do Not Block Intersection” mean something. They mean DO NOT BLOCK THE GOD DAMN INTERSECTION. You are usually sitting at a red light anyway dipshit, so why the fuck do you have to stop anyone from getting into or out of a parking lot or maybe even drive on a cross street when it is their turn? It is not like you are going anywhere. Show some fucking manners. I also get particularly annoyed at the truly brilliant people who do not realize that those thick white lines in front of lights and stop signs at intersections mean you are supposed to stop BEHIND the line. There is a reason for this as well. They will even post signs to this effect and some Fucktard still cannot figure it out. I guess if you cannot read the intersection sign, you cannot figure this out either. Don’t you have to take written test to get your license anymore? Wherever you live paid some engineer a lot of money to determine where it would be safe for people to turn and where you should stop at. Do you really think you are smarter and can stop anywhere you want? I can assure you, Fucktard, you are not. Again, you are stopped. Is that extra two feet going to save you any time? No, it is not. Then, to top it off, you have the nerve to look shocked and annoyed when I almost hit you when I am turning around a corner because you are where you are not supposed to be. How shocked will you look when I throw a brick through your window? Please, I beg you, if you are going to drive, stop being a Fucktard and show some fucking manners.

Don’t Subject Me to Your Lousy Taste in Music

Why is it that I have to have Fucktards on a daily basis attempt to show me just how cool they are? They do this by turning their car stereo up as loud as they can. You used to only have to worry about the idiots carrying their big boom boxes around before, now I run into at least two Fucktards doing this every day. I have a radio in my own car, I do not need to hear the crap that you are listening to. I don’t know what it sounds like inside your car, but from the outside it sounds like a very fuzzy deep bass and parts of your shitbox rattling with the beat. I am not impressed with you, I am annoyed. No one else is impressed with you either. I don’t even think the other Fucktards are impressed, but I could be wrong. You never know with Fucktards. My grandfather used to turn his radio up very loud too. This is because he was DEAF, not because he was a Fucktard like you. I may not even be quite as annoyed if I ever heard one of these dick holes play any decent music (or actual music at all). But no, it is always some skinny little dork bee-bopping in his car to gangster rap. I mean come on. Look at you. Not only do you have lousy taste in music, but you have no concept of how pathetic you really are. Try getting a personality transplant if you want to be cool. Turning your radio up as loud as it can go is just not working for you. I guess that is why I always see these nimrods alone or with a group of other male Fucktards who are just as big of losers. Maybe if you lost the stupidity, you might actually be with a GIRL on a weekend night instead of alone with your rattling car.

Fucktards on Wheels 3

While driving home from work today, I saw something that reaffirms my belief that there should be a Fucktard test given to every person before they are allowed to have a license to drive. As I was driving, I pass this Dimwit who is driving along in his red-neck monster truck. It is bad enough that the shitbox he is driving is allowed on the road at all with all of the rusted pieces falling off of it, but he has to make it worse. This Fucktard is driving with his leg hanging out of the widow and his camouflaged work boot resting on the front of his side view mirror. At the same time, he is leaning with his left arm and elbow out the window as well and is smoking. Furthermore, he is using his right hand to pick mud off his boots and throwing it in the other lane. What the fuck is he driving with? You just know that since he is wearing a sideways baseball cap that he has a needle dick, so obviously he is not using this to steer with and most likely not steering at all. He also has to be in a bad angle to use his other leg to control the pedals. To make matters even worse is that he is not driving on a back road, but is on a major interstate with three lanes on each side doing at least 70 MPH. I am amazed that I ever make it home alive when this is what I have driving beside me.

Fireman Fucktard

Let me start this out by saying that I have the utmost respect for firemen. It is a tough, dangerous job and anyone who does this for a living should be commended. However, like any other profession, there are a certain amount of Fucktards who are also firemen. So the power goes out in my house overnight the other day. When I get up in the morning to get ready for work, the power is still out and I cannot do most of my normal morning routine including making breakfast. I decide to go out and get some fast food crap so that I can eat and still be on time for work. I drive down the road toward the local strip of restaurants and when I come to an intersection, the lights are out and there are two firemen standing in the middle of the street. One of them comes over to the car and asks where I am going, so I reply "to CrapDonald’s to get some breakfast". His reply: "No, you ain’t". The he just stands there. And stands there. And stands there, by my window. After a minute or so, I have to ask the obvious question "Why not?" He says "Because the power is out all along this area and none of the restaurants are open", then goes back and stands in the middle of the intersection. Now, this seems to be a reasonable answer (even though he couldn’t think to tell me right away), so I wait for him to resume directing traffic. Why else would he be standing in the middle of an intersection where the lights are out? I still don’t know what he was doing other than picking his ass, which I watched him do several times. I guess he was hot just standing in the middle of an intersection in the morning in his fire proof pants and T-Shirt. I waited a good 5-10 minutes watching Gomer Pyle pick his ass and stare off into space while there are now cars 3-4 deep at each part of the intersection. Now you may ask what the second fireman was doing. I ask the same question. He appeared to be doing nothing except sit on the curb watching the other Fucktard picking his ass too. After waiting a while, I decided to take things into my own hands and turned up another street so that I could go somewhere else. You may think that Fireman Fucktard would have noticed this as I had to drive right past him to do so. No, he doesn’t notice. He just continues to pick his ass and stare into space. I actually went back to that intersection after work, just to check and see if he was still there. I guess someone finally told him to go home. I don’t think he could have figured that idea out on his own. If my house ever catches on fire, I hope they put this dipshit on traffic duty again and let the real firemen do their jobs. Maybe that was why he was sent there in the first place.

Fucktards on Wheels 2

While driving in to work the other day, I was going through a construction zone where they have one side of the road torn up and there is about a 2 foot drop into sand and gravel. As there are some businesses along the other side of the road, there are some pathways through the torn up section so that you can get to them. I see this highly intelligent Fucktard half blocking my lane because he was too fucking stupid to see that there was a huge drop and he tried to drive across the middle of it. He plunged down so that the front of his car was stuck in the sand, the back is on the road and the middle is crunched into the road. Not even ten feet further up the road is the path that the road crews so nicely made for cars to cross over. The best part is that the only place dipshit could have been going is to the adult book store because it is the only building in that particular mile long stretch. I guess all the blood left his head to go to his little peepee and he couldn’t think straight enough to realize there was no road where he was going.

FuckTards on Wheels

I work in a metropolitan city where I have to sit in traffic on a daily basis after work. Now when I say sit, I don’t mean that I am still the entire time. The traffic moves at 2 miles per hour while stopping and starting frequently. During this time, a lot of minor Fucktards think that they can get ahead faster by weaving in and out of lanes – usually by cutting in front of me or others, and saving maybe 2 minutes off of their time. Anyway, into this urban mess comes the royal Fucktard of the day. This mental giant is on a motorcycle wearing only a tank top, daisy dukes and sandals. She is just begging for skin grafts when someone finally does their god given duty and runs her stupid ass over or she falls off like so many Fucktards do. Anyway, to make matter worse, she decides that she will also play the “lets see how many lanes I can cut through” game. The kicker is that not only is she cutting in and out of lanes, but she’s also driving up the median and up the middle BETWEEN moving cars also cutting in and out of lanes. I know that when she gets squashed everyone will bitch that “no one driving a car looks out for motorcycles on the road” …..WAAAAH. Then some other stupid Fucktard will put one of those crosses on the side of the road for her and more Fucktards will stop to put flowers on them – thereby making MY commute longer as everyone stops to look at it. I don’t hate motorcycles – just the stupid Fucktards who drive them.