I Bet Your Probabtion Officer Hates You As Much As I Do

It’s been a very long time since I last posted a rant.  Not that I have not seen things on almost a daily basis that show just how screwed up people are mind you, I just have not had time to actually sit down and post things.  (I have a pretty large back log of things to post). Anyway, something happened to me this past weekend that I just had to take the time out to post, so here you go.

The family and I were out shopping at Sam’s club over the weekend and while innocently minding our own business getting our own shopping done, this Fucktard walks up to me and starts talking.  Right there you know it is not going to go well.  I never understand why someone would walk up to a complete stranger and start babbling their nonsense, but I get it all the time.  Anyway, this lovely young lady (looked to be about mid twenties) dressed in very short shorts (the better to show off her god-awful tattoos on her legs), flip-flops (which by now we should all know are NOT shoes)  and a skimpy halter top which showed her belly rolls, along with her mother and three kids comes up to me and says “Hey, you look like my probation officer, do you work in probation?”  I look at her and say “No”.

Now you would think that this short, to the point, one-word answer would discourage further conversation.  In a non-Fucktard’s world it would.  But by now we all know that this is not where we live.

So she then says, “Are you sure?”  Now, I know where I work, so I again say “No, I do not work in probation”.  She continues this inane conversation by then saying “well maybe you are related to him then, are you related to John Y something or other?”   (Name changed to protect this poor soul who has to deal with Fucktards like this’ identity – See I protect other’s privacy and do not announce names of other people to total strangers).  I again say,”No, sorry I do not know him”.  She then finally says “Oh, OK. Bye”.  (Like we were friends now)  After she walked away, my wife heard her mother say something to her and she replied “Oh, I don’t care if anyone heard me”.  And there you go.

That is the problem right there.  You are such a Fucktard that you do not care that you have announced in front of the world and your children that you have been arrested and are on probation.  I expect that John Y will be seeing a lot of you in the future since you obviously are not smart or care enough to try not to brag to total strangers just how big of a Fucktard you are.

The World is Not Your Toilet

Whilst visiting my local LOWES home improvement store the other day, I encountered nothing but fucktards. When the winter weather breaks and you experience a sunny day… the fucktards come out to shop for improvements to their homes.

Why can’t people with their big ass full shopping carts walk up the aisles in a proper traffic manner? Nope, there is always some jackass squeezing through the middle. Why can’t people park in parking lots without cramming over to one side too far? Why is it that some loud mouth has to walk way too close behind you? Oh and I really hate the checkout line… ‘tards can’t maintain a level of distance there either. They push their cart right up your ass, somehow believing that it will make the line move faster.

But the encounter of the day for me was when I had to rush to my car to escape all of the above annoyances. Some poor piece of white trash was unloading her 20 kids leaving me to stand at a distance waiting to get to my car. I got to watch her ugly red headed mini fucktard whip out his penis and PEE beside my car.

Yes, the little fucker pissed right where I had to walk to get to my car. He was quite proud of his stream… standing back and aiming it high too. I was appalled. I was disgusted. I found no humor in it.

I guess fucktards do not teach their children that the world is not their toilet.

 

 

Rampant Stupidity at the DMV

It is that time again for me to go to my local Department of Motor Vehicles location and get my new driver’s license photo taken. Everyone hates this, that’s no shock. What did shock me it the rampant stupidity I saw in ONE location and all in one hour’s worth of time. I can only share a few tidbits, otherwise, I’d have to write a book.

First, let’s get this straight. You walk in, the first thing in your face is the SIGN that tells you exactly what to do. The office is divided into two parts…. Half of the people taking their drivers test and the other half is for people who just need to obtain a new drivers license. Sounds simple enough. All you have to do is go to the machine which is DIRECTLY under the big sign that’s in your face… and take a ticket with a number. Now here is the tricky part. You have to actually read this sign. It tells you what button to push to get the right ticket. It has two buttons… they plainly describe the sections… it’s either your new photo license or your driver’s test. The buttons are even different colors so you can’t really fuck up…. if you have a brain.

All you have to do is read the sign, press the button that applies to what you are there for, and a ticket with a number pops out. When they call your number… you walk up to the window. Not rocket science.

I have NEVER seen so many idiots in all my life. Nothing has changed in this process since the last time I had to do it. I walked in, got my ticket, and sat down within 3 minutes or less.

I heard moron after moron come in… and not know what the fuck to do. They stood there are STARED at the sign… yet nothing sunk in. They would ask someone… “Do I need to get a ticket?” YES, FUCKTARD… that’s what the PLAIN and SIMPLE sign says to do. Can you not follow simple directions?

I have also noticed something else… the dumber they are… the LOUDER they are too. OMG, I had to put my hands in my pockets to keep from slapping someone. It was simply the longest hour of my life.

A mother came in dressed in super short shorts and a Motley Crue tee shirt with her two teen daughters. It’s October in the North East… we had nice weather but it was not that warm. She had the biggest mouth of all times. Every single person at the DMV heard her every word. She couldn’t read the sign, nor could her two daughters. The Barfly mom actually shoved her way up to the desk to announce their arrival. She was told to read the sign and to take a ticket. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell her to shut up. The whole place had to hear her conversations with her daughters, and we had to listen to her answer her cell phone… each time it rang. Yes, it rang several times.

Some fat old hag came in, also dressed in clothing from a dollar store, with her two adult derelict sons. And wouldn’t you know it… she was just as loud and couldn’t read the sign either. Eventually, she figured out she needed a number. The DMV was packed, so she started DIGGING in the GARBAGE can seeking to find a number that someone threw away. Because it was so busy on this particular day… many people came in, took a number, and could not wait. The hag found one… 3 numbers BEFORE mine.

I was LIVID. Just because this skank was used to sifting through garbage, while I am not… did not give her the right to cut in line. She basically got to jump ahead of at least a dozen people. This is the exact reason I carry such a small purse… if I could fit weapons in it… I would always carry them.

Luckily I do not have to get a new license again for another 4 years. But my real questions is…. How the HELL do the DMV employees not go insane? I wonder if they have to get counseling on a regular basis.

Only a Man is This Dumb

I don’t just have a period like many women. It’s not my “friend” visiting. It’s the god damn red river that flows from me. I’m on the rag right now. I hate it, I have PMS and the last fucking thing I need is something to set me off.  But some fucktard has to come along and screw up my day. I did not even leave the house, but you don’t have to apparently. OK, so I have and use the brand Always Pads.  I open a clean pad out of the wrapper and go to the back to expose the tape. I can see something black inside my pad. WTF is that? It looked creepy enough that I wiggled it and it was stiff. Something was not right, and even a fucktard could tell that. I got a new pad, but I kept the weird one to show my husband later. A while later we both looked at it, we both had confused looks on our faces. We tore it open. Inside was black tape, kind of like duct tape for lack of a way to describe it. Some frickin moron at the PAD factory must have had a quota to meet to maintain their job. And accidentally cut my pad. In order to cover up the mistake, they made they literally TAPED it back together. Only a man can be this dumb. Not just any kind of man, but an unintelligent one. A fucktard man. Even a really stupid woman would not commit something THIS ridiculous. I am seeing a fat bald guy with glazed over eyes and puddles of spit at the corners of his mouth. Aren’t you? No one would believe me unless I supplied proof. So here it is.

 

Even my fucking PADS are not safe from fucktards. I am getting scared to eat anymore too.

 

Movie Theater Etiquette

I have a major fucktard rant today. If this too annoys you as it does me – please send this message around, post it on your site (with a link back of course) and spread the fucking love. Maybe we can teach these fucktards a lesson.

I am a huge movie fan. I love specific genres, and going to the movie theater has always been a fun event and experience. My mother took me to see movies at a young age, I was taught how to behave. I went as a teenager with a gaggle of girls and while we were probably a little obnoxious before the film started… we always quieted down once it did.

The last few years my movie-going experiences have been RUINED by fucktards who lack manners and class. I am sick of people sitting close to me and rambling in a normal speaking voice during the entire movie. This has become an occurrence that now happens every single time I go and it is completely disruptive to me, and RUDE as hell.

So last week I was in the theater with my partner. There was a mom in 40’s and her 16-year-old teen daughter behind me. Behind my partner were 3 people – 2 guys and a girl all in their late 20’s. None of them shut up for more than 5 minutes the whole time.

Mom and teen daughter brought their own snacks from home. I had to listen to them unwrap shit in foil. The daughter made a stupid grunt like noise after any witty dialogue in the movie. I heard her chewing in my ear without her god damn mouth closed. I was disgusted and almost threw up in my mouth. They talked the whole time.

I purposely kept turning around to give them the evil eye thinking that might cure them. But of course not. They seemed to believe that they were at home with their feet up and yacking away. Eventually, I gave a hard SHHHHHHHHHHHUSH to them. It helped about 80%. But they still were unable to control the fucktardism in themselves. What truly pissed me off is the fact that the mother was a few years older than me, so I know she had to have some knowledge of manners if I did.

The three stooges behind my partner also continued talking. One of them actually was speaking to the characters on the screen with things like, “well what did you do that for”? or “why didn’t you say something sooner”. I wondered if he knew that people didn’t live in the TV or that there is a difference between your live friends and the ones on a movie screen. I don’t think he did since he was clearly trying to help the movie actors out with his advice.

And now for the fucktards. Let me teach you some manners at the movies.

1. Don’t sit so close to other people if there is room in the theater. Spread out a little because other individuals may not enjoy your bad breath, your body odor, or your retarded commentary.

2. It is ok to talk and be a little social during the previews. But try to keep your voice down, you don’t want to make everyone in the theater dumber by having to listen to you. Turn off your cell phone too dumbass.

3. When the movie starts… stop shuffling in your seat. If you are unwrapping candy or your fucking ham dinner that you bring from home…. try to conceal the noise. And for Christ’s sake shut up. If you must say something to the person or people you are with —- then lean close to them and WHISPER.

4. Treat the movie theater like a Library. Other people are concentrating. If your attention span is so small that you cannot shut up for 90 minutes then please only rent movies at home to save the rest of us.

5. If you hear a woman near you in a theater say very loudly “I am so fucking sick of this bullshit” or “why can’t they shut up” then know…… that it is probably me giving you a warning statement, and that I do have a weapon. No court in the land would convict me either when I testify to your stupidity.

 

Those Orange Cone Thingies Mean What??

I have said before that I spend a lot of time in my car driving to and from work. I have seen a lot of stupid things that Fucktards do while driving that make me wonder how they manage to keep their licenses. This morning I saw something so asinine that I had to write this rant today. In my travels to work, I pass through one highway that they are doing a lot of construction on. Basically, they are rebuilding this highway and turning it from a two-lane to a four-lane highway in certain stretches of the road. They have been doing this for at least a year and a half and plan to finish this in the next two years. This is not a new construction site. Nothing has changed in at least 6 months. I have written about this highway and construction before in Fucktards on Wheel 2. (This is where the idiot drove off the side trying to get to the adult bookstore.). Right now they have all the traffic driving in one set of lanes while they build the other set. Part of the other set of lanes is completed, but not open. At one point of this road, there is an intersection which is also down to one small set of lanes coming in and out of it. To turn right at this intersection you have to get to the light and turn down where they have it open. While there is some road before this, it is marked with those orange and white construction things that replaced the barrels and there is yellow caution tape strung between them. This light is usually red for no more than two minutes or so, just enough to let a couple of cars onto the highway. This morning I am at the light and there is one car in front of me and one Fucktard behind me. Fucktard decides that they are so important that they don’t have to wait for the light to change to turn that they cross over the part of the road that is newly paved and drive down the ramp that is blocked off. I guess they did not realize that the cones and caution tape meant that you should not be driving here. Fucktard must have realized this when they got to the end of the ramp and saw that the cones and tape were stretched across this effectively blocking them from driving anymore since they did stop at this point. Now, Fucktard had to take while to think about what they were going to do because they sat there for a minute. I don’t know if they were actually thinking or the sound of air whistling between their ears distracted them. Either way, instead of backing up and coming back onto the road and turning where they should have – Fucktard drives very slowly (so they don’t mess up their overly large SUV’s paint job) THROUGH the cones and caution tape. They broke the tape and knocked the cones to the side. After cautiously driving through the caution tape, Fucktard speeds away so that no one knows that they were the dipshit that did this. I can think of a lot better things that my tax dollars can go to than having the road crews clean up after some asshole thinks they can just do whatever they want. The most amusing part of this is that this person then immediately turned from destroying property into a gas station on the side of the intersection. I guess that it not so amusing after all. Just one more example of a Fucktard that should not be allowed to share the road with me.

Work Fucktards. I think they are the worst.

Where I work you don’t have to give any kind of explanation on why you need a day off or what’s ailing you, just make sure you call in.

Well, normal people understand this, but NOT FUCKTARDS. Not only can they not even call in on time and sometimes not at all they have to tell you every piece of drama that is going on in their life.

First of all, I don’t give a shit. We are not family, friends…hell I don’t even like you.

I have put off this rant about a certain co-worker long enough. She called in tonight, 45 minutes late, and proceeded to cough in my ear and then go on and on about all of her illnesses. “I am sorry I am late, but I have been having breathing problems.” I am asthmatic and I am insulin dependent diabetic. Of course, she was just getting home from somewhere and it wasn’t the hospital. Maybe her mother, the one that has Alzheimer’s, was driving her home from some shindig. Yes, her mother drives them places. That’s a scary thought. If it’s not her health it’s that she is doing something for her elderly mother with Alzheimer’s. She has to let us know that every fucking time she calls off also. All I know is my mother, whom I love with all my heart, is a terrible driver now. I sure wouldn’t get in the car with her if she had Alzheimer’s.

BTW, the jobs we do not require any physical activity what-so-ever.

 

Fucktards in the Merry Month of May

I have a big problem with Fucktards in cars. It used to be that I would mostly have issues with them when I was driving, but lately it seems that I have problems with them when I am not in a car as well. Let me give you an example. The other day I had made it through traffic hell, parked my car and was walking across the bridge into work. I get to the end of the bridge and there is a light where people come off a ramp from the highway and can turn right across the bridge or left and into town. Now this is a fancy light. It has three different colors and even has those neat looking boxes which also light up. The top one has a white sign that says "walk" and the bottom one has a red sign that says "don"t walk". Not being a Fucktard myself, I know that when the white sign is on, I should be able to safely cross the intersection. The red one means I have to wait until the cars are stopped again so I can cross. I have discussed in previous posts how I observe Fucktards just crossing streets whenever and wherever they want, but this tale is not about that. Back to the three colored lights. For those Fucktards who don"t know, the top one is red and it means "Stop". The middle one is yellow and it means "hurry up before it turns red". (just kidding see I do have a sense of humor) it means "slow down". The bottom one is green and it means "go". See this is not so difficult. Anyway, I am crossing the intersection (because my little sign is showing "walk" and the traffic light is red which means the cars should "stop") and this Fucktard decides that they are going to make a right on red and beat the cars coming up the road  even though they are only about ten feet away and moving. I guess shit stain was too busy looking at the cars coming to notice that someone was walking in front of their car. This pee brain hits the gas to pull out and runs right into me. I was not in a car, I was walking. I was hit by a car. Luckily they started from a stop and I was not hit hard, but let me tell you, it still is not fun. Thankfully the thud of my body hitting her car alerted her that there may be a problem and she stopped. I, of course, quickly move out of the road and she winds down the window. Now I am waiting for it to start as this behemoth leans out of her window and yells: "Sorry, are you OK". This took me by complete surprise. Believe me, this was not what I was expecting. Suddenly there shined a small glimmer of hope in an otherwise stupid and pitiful world. (See not everything I write about is completely bad). I told her it was Ok and went on my way with a lighter heart and small skip in my step. Well, it was actually more of a limp, but anyway my mood was better. This lasted about one block before I saw several other Fucktards do other incredibly stupid things and my world was back to normal.

Just When You Thought it was Safe

Things have been tolerable on the fucktard front lately. It’s one reason I haven’t posted in awhile. But something weird happened again to me today that forced me to write. This is a true story, the names have been changed but alas it is true. I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.

I have to set the story up so you must know 2 things.

First, I am a freak magnet. I attract them like flies to shit. They spot me anywhere I might be, they talk to me because somehow I “look” like someone who gives a damn about their rambling nonsense. They find me, they always like me, and I always say that I am never leaving the house again because of it.

Second, I am a horror film fanatic to the ninth degree. I’m not a crazy escaped mental patient, but I do like to watch them kill a bunch of fucktards on tv. Call it a “fantasy”. My home and life are normal except for my game room. That’s where I store the collection of movies and have a few other weird collectibles. Most people who are not expecting this find it to be “charming”, or at least that’s what they say. At the very least it becomes a conversation.

On to the story.

I hate having “workmen” of any sort come to my home when my husband is not here. (see reason #1) They talk to me and they are always freaks. When my husband is home, they talk to him, but since he is a man they discuss the work they are doing. Me being a female means they have to find something else to say, and that just causes a door to open that I don’t want.

Today a workman fucktard came over for a reason that is irrelevant. He needed to plug in a saw down in my basement so I led him down the steps into my game room of “horrors”. I happened to look behind me to see him do a double take at my collection of Living Dead Dolls, and I laughed.

“Oh don’t freak out, my husband and I just love horror films”. I said

“Oh its ok, I think I was here before.” He responded.

Uneventful the topic should be done now. Right? No. Not with a fucktard. I showed him where to plug in his saw, and just before he was heading out to the truck to get it this conversation happened.

“You know it’s not the horror stuff that freaks me out in people’s houses. You know what really scares me is the Catholics”. He said.

“uh…… oh, I see”, I said in shock.

“Yeah, they have all those creepy looking statues and pictures on the wall”. He said with a straight face.

“Yeah”. I said.

“Yeah, and the other houses I hate to go into are the Arabs”. He said as he walked out the basement door.

I thought about telling him I was a Catholic and my husband was from Arab decent just to fuck with his mind, but then I thought better of it. He obviously didn’t have much of one. Instead, I went upstairs and hid from him. I couldn’t wait to get the freak out of my house. WTF!

Paying for Your Kid’s Crap

On a continual basis, I get bombarded by people wanting to sell me crap to support their kids. It used to be mostly subs or pizza, but this has now expanded into cookie dough, wrapping paper, candy, ornaments, and a variety of other useless junk that I don’t need. I don’t want to buy crappy wrapping paper because your junior Fucktard joined some organization or their school wants to suck more money out of me. I already pay taxes to support your spawn in going to school, why do I need to pay more? Most of the teachers that I see are way overpaid for the poor work that they are doing anyway. What other job can you be a complete and utter Fucktard and still not be able to lose it because you have tenure? Before you get all up in arms, there are some good teachers out there, but like the rest of the population, most are Fucktards. Anyway, back to my not wanting to buy your crap. If you want your child to be in some activity, then YOU pay for it. Being involved in activities is not a right your child has. It should be earned by them and paid for by you. Maybe if you stopped getting them involved in all these activities and taught them some fucking manners, there would be fewer Fucktards in the world to piss me off. I guess that would mean you would have to stop being a Fucktarded parent as well and I just don’t see that happening. Do you? What also irritates me is when these Fucktards act offended because I say “NO” and tell them I won’t buy the junk. Pleading with me that it is for your child’s sake has absolutely no meaning to me. I don’t like you much, to begin with, and I surely don’t think your snot-faced pride and joy is cute. I can’t seem to get away from this. If it isn’t one of my Fucktarded family members asking for my money, it is someone at work or someone sitting outside of a store trying to get me to buy more shit from them. Why do you think I went to the STORE? I know I would be a lot happier if these Fucktards just left me alone.

Tis the Season to be a Fucktard

I don’t know about anyone else, but this Christmas shit just pisses me off. What the fuck happened to every other holiday after the 4^th of July? You used to have distinctive holiday seasons and could look forward to each one. Ever since the middle of September, however, I have seen Christmas crap in all of the stores. You go into any store now and there is a smaller display of Halloween items (which is the best holiday of the year. Where else can you look into fucktard’s houses and see what they have without being arrested?) next to a huge display of Christmas things. It is not even winter yet and everyone is looking forward to the biggest Fucktard day of the year. I say that this is a fucktard day because Christmas is just one big swap meet where the winner is the one the gives out the least and gets the most back. Just because I have decided not to spawn like so many people do, I end up losing more and more every year. My sisters and brother have a bunch of dirt-faced rugrats now. Every year I now have to buy something for some new little fucktard-in-training and receive the same shitty amount for a gift from the rest of them (if I get a gift at all). Then, these shitheads don’t have the common courtesy to make the little bastards even say Thank You. This has gone on for years and suddenly I am the asshole because I don’t want to participate in this crap anymore. I get told that I should “just be a good uncle”. Fuck that. Just because you cannot control your hormones doesn’t mean I should have to pay for it. Before any of you, fucktards try to pull the “Well you should just remember the reason for the season” bullshit, just shut up. Think about this. Isn’t it amazing that your holiday for Santachrist happens to fall at the same time as many other religious holidays (most of which are far older than yours)? So, if I am to celebrate the true reason for the season, it probably won’t be with your religion and you should keep your zealot-ism to yourself. Why can’t we have a holiday where all the fucktards stay home and don’t irritate me for six months instead. That would be the best Christmas gift that I could ever have.

Parking Lot Fucktards

Another one of my pet peeves are the fucktards that disobey simple driving rules in parking lots. These are the douche bags that do not stop at the intersections where a big stop sign appears. Or they cut across the parking spots, cut you off because you are following traffic rules but give you the stupid look. I am of the opinion that putting people in a shopping center parking lot of any kind causes them to lose 50 IQ points instantly. I also get annoyed by the fucktards that walk right in front of your car without even looking. I realize pedestrians have the right of way, but my mother must have been a genius when she taught me to look both ways in case a car doesn’t see me. One day in the future I could be having a bad day in the Walmart parking lot and I’ll be cleaning Irma Jean Fucktard and her two ugly brats off the hood of my car with a spatula…. but I won’t feel guilty. Please work with me and the rest of us damn it…. follow the rules of the road in the parking lot, look both ways before you go trotting along, look BEHIND you when you back up dummies. I shouldn’t have to write this but too many stupid people keep shopping.

Drive With Some Manners, Fucktard

As you probably have figured out, I spend a lot of time in my car driving back and forth to work. It amazes me just how much Fucktards have no manners whatsoever while driving anymore. I always understood that it is much better to be polite to others while driving than to be an ass. I have found that it doesn’t matter if someone is driving a Lexus or a piece of shit car that should have been junked in the 70’s they are all Fucktards. For example, it was my understanding that it was polite to allow someone to enter a roadway from a ramp or side street if possible. The extra minute you save by being a Fucktard and ignoring others doesn’t really help you get to where you are going any faster. Conversely, it doesn’t help for you to be a complete prick and cut in front of others either. You are not so important that you have to force your way in and almost cause an accident. If someone happens to let you in, don’t act as if it is your God-given right that they should. Show some fucking manners and at least acknowledge that they were nice enough to do this. You can interrupt your phone call for two seconds and wave. You shouldn’t be talking on the phone when you are driving anyways shithead. For you Fucktards that cannot read, those signs that say “Do Not Block Intersection” mean something. They mean DO NOT BLOCK THE GOD DAMN INTERSECTION. You are usually sitting at a red light anyway dipshit, so why the fuck do you have to stop anyone from getting into or out of a parking lot or maybe even drive on a cross street when it is their turn? It is not like you are going anywhere. Show some fucking manners. I also get particularly annoyed at the truly brilliant people who do not realize that those thick white lines in front of lights and stop signs at intersections mean you are supposed to stop BEHIND the line. There is a reason for this as well. They will even post signs to this effect and some Fucktard still cannot figure it out. I guess if you cannot read the intersection sign, you cannot figure this out either. Don’t you have to take written test to get your license anymore? Wherever you live paid some engineer a lot of money to determine where it would be safe for people to turn and where you should stop at. Do you really think you are smarter and can stop anywhere you want? I can assure you, Fucktard, you are not. Again, you are stopped. Is that extra two feet going to save you any time? No, it is not. Then, to top it off, you have the nerve to look shocked and annoyed when I almost hit you when I am turning around a corner because you are where you are not supposed to be. How shocked will you look when I throw a brick through your window? Please, I beg you, if you are going to drive, stop being a Fucktard and show some fucking manners.

Don’t Subject Me to Your Lousy Taste in Music

Why is it that I have to have Fucktards on a daily basis attempt to show me just how cool they are? They do this by turning their car stereo up as loud as they can. You used to only have to worry about the idiots carrying their big boom boxes around before, now I run into at least two Fucktards doing this every day. I have a radio in my own car, I do not need to hear the crap that you are listening to. I don’t know what it sounds like inside your car, but from the outside it sounds like a very fuzzy deep bass and parts of your shitbox rattling with the beat. I am not impressed with you, I am annoyed. No one else is impressed with you either. I don’t even think the other Fucktards are impressed, but I could be wrong. You never know with Fucktards. My grandfather used to turn his radio up very loud too. This is because he was DEAF, not because he was a Fucktard like you. I may not even be quite as annoyed if I ever heard one of these dick holes play any decent music (or actual music at all). But no, it is always some skinny little dork bee-bopping in his car to gangster rap. I mean come on. Look at you. Not only do you have lousy taste in music, but you have no concept of how pathetic you really are. Try getting a personality transplant if you want to be cool. Turning your radio up as loud as it can go is just not working for you. I guess that is why I always see these nimrods alone or with a group of other male Fucktards who are just as big of losers. Maybe if you lost the stupidity, you might actually be with a GIRL on a weekend night instead of alone with your rattling car.

Shut Up and Do Your Job

I have a rant about cashiers at grocery stores. It’s simple, just 2 things: stopping looking at my stuff, and stop talking to me. Now let’s review.

I do my shopping on Saturdays during my day off. I have been waiting in line behind several fucktards to get out of the store, and they have probably pissed me off. I am now exhausted from the whole shopping experience and I am in a hurry when I finally get up to the register. Ring up my stuff and pack the damn bags. Don’t leisurely look through my groceries reading what each item is. And God help you if you ask me about it. If looks could kill, you’d be in deep shit. Do your shopping on your own time and quit using my purchases as a new means to product discovery! My groceries do not want your cruddy money touching germy hands all over them while you study them. Oh, and forget about making stupid jokes. I don’t want to hear about your day either. My favorite cashiers are the ones who keep their eyes on the register, work quickly, and keep their mouths shut.

Don’t Eat the Donuts

I was at the grocery store this past weekend and saw an incident that completely disgusted me. After shopping for a while, I had to sit down. This is because you cannot have just a simple grocery store anymore, but everything has to be a super-megaopolis shopping mecca. While these stores are now all huge, they still don’t seem to carry anything that I happen to like, or they discontinue carrying it in a very short time. I can, however, buy any amount of sugar coated sugar cubes dipped in chocolate with sprinkles on top breakfast cereal that I want. But I digress, back to the incident. Since I am tired of walking around, I want to sit down. In this store there is an area set up like a cafe with tables and chairs in between the bakery and the deli. I sit on one of the chairs while my wife goes and looks for something that she wants in this area. While sitting there, I watch as this old couple goes up to the self-serve donut area and prepare to get some donuts. You would think that given their age, they would have been taught some manners at some point, but not these Fucktards. While the woman holds open the bag, the man starts to get some donuts. Is he using one of those nifty disposable plastic gloves? Is he using those handily placed tongs? No. He reaches in with his Ben Gay and Feces encrusted hands and starts handling all of the donuts to pick what they want. If this was not bad enough, Geriatric Man suffers an arthritic spasm and drops one of the donuts he has picked onto the floor. Any normal person would have left this there or threw it in the garbage. Fucktarded people do what he did. HE PICKS THE DONUT UP AND PUTS IT BACK IN THE CASE! Then picks up the donut next to the one that was on the floor and puts it in the bag. Do you think his wife said anything to him? No, she looks to see if there are any store employees to see him and gives him the nod when the coast is clear. I already know that things like this happen and if you saw how any of the food you eat was prepared, you would stop eating. But give me prepackaged, full of preservatives, food any day. This way I know the only Fucktard that has handled my food was at the packaging plant and I can put that out of my mind.

Don’t Ask Me for Money

On a consistent basis I am assaulted by stupid Fucktards asking me for money. I am not referring to the constant requests around the office and by my family to put in for someone’s birthday, upcoming wedding, upcoming birth, retirement, etc (although this irritates the fuck out of me too). I am referring to the lazy shit for brains Fucktards that sit on the bridge when I walk past with a cup and expect me to give them change. I understand that sometimes people become homeless and cannot make ends meet. This happens. This is what I pay into welfare for and why shelters exist. This is not a license for you to pester me on a daily basis to give you my money. I work for a living. Get off your lazy ass and get a fucking job. I park on the outskirts of the city I work in and then walk across a bridge to get to my office. I do this because I am trying to save some of the money I WORK for and the parking is cheaper. Almost everyday I see one of three different people who sit on the bridge and hold out a cup to people walking by. Amazingly they all hold the same sign. If you can spend the money on a black magic marker to make your fucking sign, then use that to spend on some food. The funny thing is that I only see them on warm, sunny days. Where do they go when it is cold or raining? Why the fuck don’t they go there all the time? It appears that they can find somewhere when the weather is not good, why can’t they find somewhere permanently to live? I may actually be willing to part with $.50 if you were sitting in the snow. You may think I am ignorant, but I have seen these same three people for a few years sitting in the same spots. You can’t find a fucking job in YEARS? You think it is my responsibility to carry your lazy ass? I find it sort of amusing that almost every time I walk past them, they ask for my help by giving them my spare change. Now, I have been walking past you for years and I have never given you anything before. What the fuck makes you think that I am going to give you anything today? Did you magically become more pathetic since I saw you yesterday? Believe me, I am not going to give you anything today and I am especially not going to give you anything on the days that you and your girlfriend are sitting together asking for money. She is obviously well fed with that extra 300 pounds she is carrying. Why don’t you just eat her? It makes me sick every time I have to walk past them. Unfortunately, these are not the only people who ask me for money. Everywhere I go, there is some Fucktard with their hand out asking for my money for some stupid reason. It is like I am a magnet for this shit. I certainly don’t look rich and I don’t have any fucking money either, so just piss off. What makes someone go up to a complete stranger and expect them to just give them something because you have some sob story about how you are a big Fucktard and screwed up your life. I was sitting in a CrapDonald’s parking lot the other day eating my lunch while on the way to another office for my JOB, when this Fucktard comes up and knocks on my window asking me for money to buy a hamburger. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do I look like a fucking ATM? I have had children ask me for money to play crane machines in stores (go bother the moron who spawned you), I have had fucking Hari Krishna’s, or some other fucked up religious assholes, ask me to "donate money for" (buy) their prophets stupid book at a rock concert, and I have had other Fucktards come up to me outside a bar asking for money to make a phone call so they can get home. I don’t give a shit about your problem or pathetic life, so quit bothering me. Maybe I should have a sign that says "Fuck off and explode". I don’t have any money either and you don’t see me whining about it". I can then just wear this around my neck and these dick weeds can leave me alone.

Stop Touching Things

In the past I worked with a girl I call Rainbow Brite. She was a complete drooling fucktard in every way. One of her stupid stunts was that she had to "stick her hand in the cookie jar" constantly.

She’d be given a tool to use for work, a Microsoft Database or an Excel spreadsheet that was pre-made to use. The intention was to organize her stupid ass, and all she had to do was physically input information and then leave it alone. But she was a "picker", she was "nosy" about shit she didn’t even understand. She actually thought she was smart enough to learn or figure things out so she would start clicking around and making changes. She always wanted to change things to make it HER way rather than what everyone else did/used. Eventually she’d fuck it all up of course. This brilliant action happened CONSTANTLY and for someone who wanted to learn so badly – she never seemed to get the real lesson involved which was "leave it ALONE dumb ass". This always, as you might guess, created more work for her (because now you have to start all over) and for me. The latter is what pissed me off to no end. If you are such a fucktard that you don’t mind having to do everything twice and wasting weeks of time repairing your stupid mistakes then fine. But don’t involve ME or anyone else in your nonsense. I’m busy actually working and doing my job you dipshit. Rainbow Brite went away, quit because she got tired of being yelled at for all of HER stupid mistakes. I had a party.

This little story brings me to my current situation. A new receptionist who is VERY part time was brought back after she had created a drama and quit impulsively 2 years ago. If I was the owner I would not take this type of person back, but I don’t have that control so it’s not my choice. So I will make the best of it. She has been back now almost 3 weeks.

This receptionist I will names as The Instigator, because ultimately that’s what she is. a little bit of a trouble maker. She isn’t by any means stupid, yet she is still fast proving herself to be a fucktard.

We use a special database that gets used as one huge file and it is passed to each receptionist daily as a "live" file. It’s always updated this way and it’s just how we do things. This file contains everything for our business, including payroll information and the exact commissions that our contractors have earned. I almost never have a live file, I use it only to check on things after it is done, because I am the manager; I oversee what they input into it.

Last week the Instigator told me she deleted some files that are in the Administrative area (mine) AFTER she did it. She said it nonchalantly, so I got what she said, but didn’t feel it was a major issue even though I didn’t like it right away. I just felt she was overstepping the line. The next day I got a copy of the updated file and she had deleted tons of shit I had in it, for a reason. I know this is a shock; but sometimes a manager does know what they are doing, sometimes there is a reason they do something.

Of course this created a huge amount of work for me. I had to print out all the old notes, and now I was forced to decide what needed to be returned. Since I don’t have a "live" file I had to impose on another receptionist to replace all these notes. It got fixed, and back to what the MANAGER (me) wanted. I then sent an email to the Instigator explain that she is not to touch the admin area again and my reasons for it. It was polite and I told her it was my fault that I misunderstood it when she told me. I took part of the blame, even though I did nothing wrong. I did not HAVE to explain myself because I am her boss, but I did so that it made sense why she shouldn’t do it again. She of course started to gossip with another receptionist and told her how MEAN I was to her. She took it VERY personally that she fucked up MY job. What an idiot. For me, I laughed, it only made me see her as The Instigator even more.

Last night.. Guess what Instigator did? She started with her nosy picking AGAIN after she was told to knock it off politely. She, like Rainbow Brite, has to mess with shit that they don’t know anything about or the things that do not concern her. The Instigator had to call me on my TIME OFF to confess that she messed with the file and now fucked up payroll for some of the contractors! Again, more time is involved for me to repair the damage that some jack off did. More time I have to impose on another receptionist etc. Leave it ALONE Instigator. Stop it! Quite touching stuff!

The Instigator is NOT a stupid person. She is not a drooling incompetent idiot like Rainbow Brite was. The Instigator is actually a lot SMARTER, but apparently has her own little control issues. Not ALL fucktards are low IQ dummies, some are fucktards in "secret". Some fucktards are smart people that do fucktarded things. Just stop it damn it.

Crosswalk is a BIG word

I don’t know about you Fucktards, but I was taught at a very young age (i.e. Kindergarten) how to stay between the lines. You had to stay between the lines when coloring a picture as well as stay between the lines on the paper when you were writing and practicing your alphabet or spelling. Somewhere after this, Fucktards lose the ability to stay between the lines (if they ever learned how in the first place). I can give you two examples of this.

 

When I worked at a past job, I used to have to drive through a low income housing apartment area a lot. This is one of those fun places that have a mixture of townhouses and apartments and always have such great pretentious names like Holiday Acres or Suburban Estates. Anyway, I am driving through here and this large woman, with her six or seven illegitimate children, steps out into the middle of the road in front of my car thus forcing me to come to a sudden stop. She immediately starts flapping her arms and squawking about my needing to slow down (I had just turned a corner from a stop sign and was doing maybe 20 MPH) and to watch out for her children. Now, when did this become my duty? Just because the government forces me to pay to support your spawn, it does not mean that I automatically then have to take the responsibility of watching out for and protecting them. That falls squarely onto your fat, government-issue cheese eating, Fucktarded shoulders. And possible one of the multitude of baby-daddies associated with you. Unless they have all taken off already. Anyway, here is this barnacle on society jumping up and down in the middle of road and babbling incoherently, although colorfully, and pointing at a sign by the sidewalk. Amongst the ranting, I make out the words to the effect of "can’t you read?" Yes I can. I have been able to read for a very long time and can clearly make out that the sign says "Yield to Pedestrians in the Crosswalk". Do you know what the word Crosswalk means Fucktard? I don’t know where you, the reader, lives, but where I live most crosswalks are at the corner of the street. Whether they are at the corner or not, every one that I have ever seen is CLEARLY and DISTINCTLY marked with big white or white and yellow lines. This means that it is safe to cross the street here. That large expanse of unmarked pavement is a FUCKING ROAD. This has been designed for AUTOMOBILES. It is not safe to decide to cross this part and expect people that are driving to have to accommodate you. That would be the thinking of a Fucktard.

 

Today I watched this really fucking intelligent asswipe try to do a similar thing. I have told you that I work in a large metropolitan city and walk into my job everyday. Many other people also walk in. Most of the time, you have to cross streets. A lot of these streets are 4 or 5 lane roads with a large amount of traffic. This means that when you cross, you have to watch out for many drivers, as well as busses and it is probably the smart (and safer) idea to cross at the crosswalk when the lights are with you. This does not seem to be the case for Fucktards though. They think they can just walk across wherever they feel like. This shit head walks out into the middle of traffic to cross the road and almost gets hit twice. He actually stood there in the middle of the road with a shocked expression on his slack jawed face, unable to believe that this almost happened. He even whined once he had made it across the street that he was almost run over. Could you honestly not see that coming Nostradumbass? How about this one then. Can you predict whether you should be punched in the back of the head or have a foot shoved up your ass? Please, if you are a Fucktard, go back to your kindergarten teachings and try to learn something. Either that or don’t complain when someone does their duty and flattens you under a bus.

You Are Not That Important

Listen up Fucktards. This is a necessary announcement that someone may have never told you. YOU ARE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. The world does not revolve around you. What you say will not ultimately show any improvement in the social fabric or life on this earth in general. Since you now know this, this means that you can shut the fuck up and quit talking on a cell phone to any other Fucktard every second of your life no matter where you are. Unless you are the leader of a nation or otherwise have to make important life or death situations at a moments notice, you do not have to be able to be contacted 24 hours a day by any butt-reaming dipshit that knows you. Now, let me point out that I do own a cell phone. I use it for work. When I am not working, my cell phone sits on a desk in my home. When I am not working, I do not take it with me to places such as the store, the movies, the park, driving in my car, etc. Basically I do not take it anyplace where if it happens to ring, I do not talk on it about my inconsequential life and what mundane thing that I happen to be doing at the time to any other Fucktard who happened to want to talk to me, so that every other person in the immediate area can also hear about my pitiful existence. This is because I am not a Fucktard. Far be it for you Fucktards to go away and talk somewhere that you cannot be overheard. No, you think that you are that important that the rest of the world needs to accommodate you. You then expect people to give you some privacy when you are talking on the phone. In case you did not know it, the definition of the word PUBLIC is the complete opposite of PRIVATE. If you want to talk in private, go somewhere that you can do so like your own fucking home. That way you don’t annoy the rest of the world in public who can get along just fine without hearing how you can’t decide if skim or 2% milk is better or that your friend’s sister’s neighbor said something that you didn’t like. I was at a video store looking to rent a movie when this Fucktard was in the same aisle as me talking on a cell phone about the movies that were available to some other Fucktard. Every time I moved away from them, they would follow me into the next aisle and stand right next to me. This chattering magpie then seemed to get annoyed when I started making loud disgusted noises because I was interrupting HER phone conversation. Get off your fat ass and come down to the video store to look at movies yourself if you want to watch one. Don’t send the loudest fucking moron to tell you what is available. Better yet, all of you just stay home so I don’t have to hear from any of you. That way, you can take any call you want from any other Fucktard in their home and not disturb anyone. The same goes for driving. There are laws against talking on a phone while driving for a reason. That is because you Fucktards cannot walk and think at the same time, so what makes you think you can talk on a phone and drive at the same time? I guess you were walking when that bright idea hit and you couldn’t pay attention at the time. Since there were a lot of words in between my first statement and now, and whenever you learn something new, something old falls out of your pointed little heads, let me reiterate – YOU ARE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. The world does not revolve around you. What you say will not ultimately show any improvement in the social fabric or life on this earth in general. Since you now know this again, this means that you can shut the fuck up and quit talking on a cell phone to other Fucktards every second of your life no matter where you are. Take this as a mantra. Repeat it to yourself many, many times. Hopefully one day it will sink in through the sludge you call your brain.

Put the Damn Shopping Cart Back

Ok fucktards. Here is a tip about your manners while in public, because this just truly pisses me off to no end. You go to the grocery store, you get your shopping cart filled, and then go through the check out line. Everything is fine, you may not have even annoyed anyone in the store. But your manners are not done fuck wad. After you load up your piece of shit car put the SHOPPING CART in the cart return. You know that area with the beams and big sign that says RETURN CART HERE? That’s what it is for. Gawd this annoys me. Don’t leave it at the end either, push it IN as far as you can so others can use the cart return properly too without having to clean up your mess. Why is this so difficult? You probably didn’t mind gobbling up the free samples, asking cashiers and clerks stupid questions, so do the poor staff a favor and help keep their job easier.

Assume makes an ass out of u and me

Ok another one of my pet peeves is the way fucktarded people in your life make assumptions about what you do, what your motivation is, and yet they never even ask. I worked with a fucktard (Rainbow Brite) for years that constantly made assumptions. We were once good friends until I could longer handle the ridiculousness. Anyway here is a sample of one of those conversations.

Vulgar says: "Yes my goal with the blog on our business website is to make sure it has fresh content which gets us more exposure, and listed on more directories".

Fucktard says: "oooooh I ASSumed you were just doing it cuz you were just thinking up more work to do and I can’t handle all that".

If you happen to be a fucktard and your boss or work associate asks you to do something anything, there is probably a very logical reason. If the scope of your thinking is so narrow to imagine that people invent work for literally no reason then you may need to see a shrink for more then "just a consultation". And good grief if you really don’t know, then ASK a simple question. Because if you ASSUME then you’ll make an ASS out of U and Me but mainly YOU.

 

Fucktard Telephone Manners

I am a manager for a telecommunication type of business, in other words we work on the phone everyday accepting incoming calls. I have a toll free number where my staff can call me directly for problems and such. The number is new for me, only about 6 months old. It once belonged to a parasail company and they still had a shitload of ads plastered all over the net, so I am still getting "wrong number" calls. I had to go and actually have some of the ads removed myself because the volume was so high.

 

Since this is a direct number to me, I don’t answer it with anything other than "hello". I don’t have to; my staff knows I am the only one answering. 99% of the wrong number calls don’t seem to notice that I only answer with "hello" they just go right into requesting their reservations. I have to tell them what happened, and sometimes more stupidity ensues. It has gotten to a point where I hate it when it rings, because I know it’s going to annoy me to answer either way.

 

Today a fucktard with out telephone manners called. I really wonder if fucktards are taught anymore what telephone etiquette is. See my mother taught me to say "I’m SORRY I dialed the wrong number", or "Excuse me I think I dialed the wrong number". 99% of the fucktards that dial wrong to either my work line, my cell, or even my home number just freakin’ hang up. It pisses me off. You are the idiot that can’t press the buttons right, admit it, apologize for annoying me, and THEN hang up. Its common courtesy and manners. But the world is full of fucktards and we ALL know it. They do not even know what courtesy or manners are.

 

This is how today’s fucktarded call went:

 

Vulgar Says:"Hello"

Fucktard Says: "whose this"

Vulgar Says:"Who are you calling for please"?

Fucktard Says: "I have this number 1-800-xxx-xxxx. What’s it for"?

Vulgar Says:"If you tell me who you are calling for, then I can tell you if you have the wrong number or not"

Fucktard Says: "well is this your number"?

Vulgar Says:"well yeah, I answered it"

Fucktard Says: "well what’s the number for"?

Vulgar Says:"You must have the wrong number"

Fucktard Hangs Up

 

Ok so let me explain why this is bad manners to other fucktards who may be reading this.

 

• You do not call someone and ask who THEY are. You tell them either who YOU are, or you state your fucking purpose for ringing their phone. For example: "Hello is Vulgar there"? or like this: "Hello is this a parasail company"?
• When you retardedly do the above and the person tells you how to have manners and WHY you should approach them in a specific way:. You should listen. In other words I said to the fucktard…. if you state your purpose I can answer you fucking question asshole.
• Don’t dial a damn number if you don’t know what it’s for idiots. Like:. what if you accidentally called the stupidity police and get caught? I can’t imagine ANY person with normal intelligence calling a number just to ask what it is.

 

As an added note :..all toll free numbers record the number you called from. So I checked and I have this fucktards number now. I think I may start calling her every day and doing the same thing to her. I wonder if she’d EVER figure it out.

A Ray of Sunshine

I work with two major fucktards, the kind that aren’t only stupid but have bad attitudes toward everyone else more intelligent then them (which is basically everyone). So today Miss Sunshine (the bigger fuck up) loses her phone connection. We’re IN a business where we ANSWER phones, it was kinda important to have hers working, and this isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s not even the 98^th time it’s happened, we’re talking triple digits. So, ok fucktard: again: I’ll do your damn job for you, but don’t think I won’t TRY to get revenge by making sure you aren’t paid. And she does think she will get paid, she feels entitled to it and that every damn mistake she makes is perfectly ok. But don’t dare tell her so, or she gets all sweaty angry and begin to flap her slack jawed mouth back at you. It’s hard to even fight back when you can’t understand Fucktardian language, you spend a lot of time scratching your head wondering what the hell she means. Sometimes two or three people have to decipher it and by then she’s long gone: if she isn’t wearing her government issued ankle bracelet and on house arrest or something.

So back to today’s drama. Miss Sunshine took about 40 minutes to figure out that her phone wire was bent, twisted, and destroyed. Most of us know that when the phone isn’t ringing that there can only be a few reasons why. But she did thank me for doing her job for her, at last minute notice when I had other shit to do of my own. How nice of her.

Then I had to talk to her about why she had issues with the other receptionist. Since fucktards always come out of la-la land with their fists up….it can be a bit dangerous to approach one. Carefully I brought up the subject. Quick! Tell her she isn’t in trouble before the stupidity and blame begins to flow! Ok so it all boils down to the fact that Miss Sunshine feels like everyone should be friends and ask her how her life is. She feels all we talk to each other about is work and that no one asks how her snot faced kid is. I guess the point is lost to her, which is after you are late a million times, cause trouble, mouth off to everyone, and fuck up constantly most people you work with kinda don’t care about you. Gee maybe they even begin to dislike you, duh. Good one fucktard, all we care about is avoiding you.

If she could collect disability for her stupidity she wouldn’t have to work at all and we’d all be much happier.